Between May of 1996 and August of 2009, Larry Gelbart posted more than 3,000 messages to the alt.tv.mash newsgroup (for those who don’t know what a newsgroup is, read all about Usenet and newsgroups here). Gelbart used the name Elsig – “El” for his first name, Larry, “si” for his middle name, Simon, and “g” for his last name, Gelbart — and was a regular contributor, answering questions from fans and often posted more than 50 times a month. I believe Larry Linville occasionally posted as well; Jeff Maxwell continues to do so.
In February of 2006, Gelbart was kind enough to write and post three brief interview segments, like those seen in “The Interview,” for Colonel Blake, Trapper John and Colonel Flagg. I recall having read these several years ago but had forgotten about them until yesterday when Bob e-mailed me suggesting I post them here. It seems like a fitting tribute to Larry Gelbart, so here’s Henry’s interview segment, copied directly from the alt.tv.mash newsgroup via Google Groups:
Henry’s “The Interview” Interview
February 9th, 2006
REPORTER: How does it feel, having the responsibility for saving such a
great number of lives?
HENRY: We just take ‘em one or two, sometimes maybe twenty at a time.
The big trick is not to start thinking of ‘em as numbers – as just
so many stats that go into a report that winds up in somebody’s
filing cabinet under “out of sight, out of mind.” You’ve gotta
always remember that what you’re dealing with is hurt people, people
that have been run over by a war.
REPORTER: And not just -
HENRY: You gotta remember to take a peek at the odd dog tag now and
then and remind yourself that that dangling leg or busted gut you’re
going to try and put back together again is somebody’s dad or son or
boyfriend – that all that blood and guts soiling your linen belongs
to somebody that’s got a name attached to him.
REPORTER: You can’t afford to lose your sense of humanity.
HENRY: There’s just so many senses you can lose over here.
REPORTER: Humor not being one of them, obviously.
HENRY: Around here laughter’s just crying without the tears.
REPORTER: You have a family back home, sir?
HENRY: In Bloomington. The one in Illinois, not in Indiana – unless
things have changed since I went away.
REPORTER: You keep in touch with them, of course, your family.
HENRY: We write, we phone. Far apart as we are, I don’t think we’ve
ever been closer.
REPORTER: Would you like to say hello to them on television?
HENRY: Be better if this was kissovision, but, yeah, can I?
REPORTER: Go right ahead.
HENRY: Lorraine? Hi, honey. Hi, kids. I got your report cards this
morning and I had Radar go out post ‘em on the bulletin board here so
everybody can see why I’m so darn proud of you. Especially how
you’re doing in math. You must get those brains from your mom. Got
to be. Old as I am, I still don’t know how many tens to give someone
for a five-dollar bill. (TO REPORTER) Thanks.
REPORTER: That it?
HENRY: That’s it. (TO CAMERA) Except I’m counting the days till
we’re back together again.
REPORTER: You have any idea when that will be?
HENRY: I try not to have too many ideas. There’s always someone who
ranks you who’s sure you’ll agree he’s got a better one.
REPORTER: When you do finally get home, what are you going to tell your
children is the biggest lesson being over here has taught you?
HENRY: To always try to work things out, I guess. Whatever those
things might happen to be. You don’t make your point killing the other
guy. Even if you do it’s kind of wasted if the other guys not around
to get the message.
REPORTER: You seem – if all may so, Colonel – you seem near exhaustion.
HENRY: What I am mostly is tired of being tired. We’re supposed to
be a hospital but it’s more like a chop shop around here. We’re up
to our elbows in people that other people are doing their best to chop
down.
REPORTER: That doesn’t lead to a lot of sleep, I would imagine.
HENRY: I used to think of sleeping in terms of hours. How many did I
get last night, how many will I get to steal tonight. I’m down to
minutes now. It’s like somebody broke one hand off the clock.
REPORTER: Does that ever affect your performance?
HENRY: I fell asleep a few weeks ago in the middle of resecting a
patient’s bowel. How’s that for exhausted?
REPORTER: Does that fishing hat mean there are those times when you do
get to get away from it all?
HENRY: What it means is that I have to fish for those times. And let
me say, the biting’s pretty poor.
REPORTER: Business is too good around here.
HENRY: Let’s just say it takes a whole lot longer to take a bullet
out of a belly than it does putting one into one.
REPORTER: Thank you, sir.
HENRY: Can I say one more thing?
REPORTER: Of course.
HENRY: I just want you to know we all here are grateful for this visit
you’ve paid us, this attention you’re paying to the job we’re doing.
You get the feeling sometimes, being over here that, aside from our
families, we’ve kind of dropped off the planet, that we’ve been
kind of disinvited to the party – like everyone back home is busy
living their real lives and for us to give them a call when we get back
to town. (TO REPORTER) That sound too preachy?
REPORTER: It sounded just fine, Colonel.
HENRY: Henry. I’m a lot more a Henry than I’ll ever be colonel.
REPORTER: Thank you, Henry.
HENRY: Tell me the truth: didn’t that feel better?
REPORTER: You’re an excellent doctor.
HENRY: Hey – that’s why I’m over here getting 300 hundred dollars a
month.
(more…)
